Day 15 Wednesday

Yesterday just disappeared in a cloud of frustration. My good but old colour laser printer said “Code 100.” After downloading the manual and going to page 189, it said ‘printer dead’. Emails to Xerox in the US did not get a response – funny that. However, the local Cairns Xerox repair man said ‘I’ll ask a tech for you.’ His response was ‘It’s fucked, mate.’

So off to Officeworks for a cheap $120 Brother mono laser printer. Place was packed and a bit of stressed social distancing going on. No service as usual, so my new best friend and I just picked up a printer in a box each and headed for the perxiplex screened-off, cashless check out. Now, I bet you know what I’m going to say next?

Having unpacked the printer, read the quick install guide and gone to the Brother web site for the print drivers, I discovered that there was no printer cable. Of course, they haven’t supplied them with printers since Adam was a boy. After two hours of not being 1) able to download the drivers and 2) not able to connect to the wifi, I head back out into COVID territory to buy a fricken cable. 

Guess who was in the line with me? Yep my new best friend from before. Neither of us were able to buy a cable because they had sold out. Then our newest best friend whispered ‘Jaycar!’ – so out into Indian territory again and off to Jaycar. Much better social distancing there and success – an $13 cable!

Back home and another frustrating three hours getting nowhere, I gave up and made dinner for our Hump Club Greek night. A delicious pumpkin, SD tomatoes, garlic and olive mash wrapped in filo pastry and a Greek salad. 

Meanwhile, Lady P arrives home and fixes the printer to work wirelessly in less than half an hour. Stop grinning you lot!

The Hump dinner was good with excellent internet connection for all seven participants.

Day 16 Thursday

I have to prepare one of my dinner parties today for delivery at 6 pm, so I’ll sign off and get to work. More later. Ok, the dinner all boxed up and delivered and everyone deliriously happy, plus I got paid.

Lady P decided that my recipe for orange sauce was not to her liking. So, I said, politely of course, "Why don't you cook the dinner then?" She did and the duck fat potatoes were delicious. The duck breast tasty and the orange sauce as expected.

Day 14 Tuesday

Our weather pattern has changed this morning with a strong southern system right up the coast. As a result, we have some cloud and cooler days. I have just finished most of my meal deliveries to happy customers and just got an order for four dinners over Easter. The menu is:

Appetizer

Seafood Bisque

A rich Provincale soup with Australian seafood, tomato, saffron and garlic

Entrée

Atlantic salmon rillettes with sourdough blinis

Mesquite hot smoked Atlantic salmon, flaked and mixed with butter, sour cream, chives, lemon juice and sweet paprika. Served on sourdough blinis

First Course

Slow cooked beef in Spanish sherry and shiraz

Tablelands beef slow cooked in a rich Pedro Ximinez and shiraz sauce and served with garlic mashed potatoes

Second course

Chicken Wellington

Breast of chicken, mushrooms and prosciutto wrapped in filo pastry and served with a creamy mustard sauce and garden salad

Dessert

Peach and nectarine tart with Chantilly cream

To finish

Mango and cardamom syllabub

On top of this, Lady P wants three duck meals over Easter (a la orange, Peking and risotto); we have a dinner on Saturday and brunch on Sunday. This isolation is very stressful.

Our Esplanade and the carparks are very quiet at last. Yesterday, I saw a number of police patrols and one hopes they issued lots of $1,300 fines!

I see the sharks of Queensland killed another poor soul yesterday. The Marine Park Ranger was known to one of my customers this morning, so a sad start to the day. We will all sit back now and hear all sorts of stuff from the ‘experts’. Hey Tas, maybe you could ask Brendan Favola or Sam Newman what the problems with sharks are up here?

I guess they could also give their thoughts on Pell’s conviction squashing.

And another thing – apparently, we are now referring to Boris Johnson as BoJo. Bloody hell what’s happening to our language. I think I will refer to myself as RoPhi. What would you call Sheila Ithkas?  And another thing – after more than 90 years, the Apostrophe Protection Society has closed. WTF! W’sHTTW?

It’s hard to believe that it’s April already. Where’s this year heading? (3 apostrophes).

The summer BBQ season doesn’t truly kick off until Sam Kekovich gives us a good old Aussie grilling about lamb and the highly anticipated ad by Meat and Livestock Australia has just dropped for 2020 - encouraging us to put the devices down and ‘get real’ with lamb this year.

Kekovich said. “It’s all about putting down the devices and reminding us just how important it is to reconnect face-to-face - over a great piece of lamb.”

It’s not just all talk for our ‘Lambassador’ - Kekovich isn’t on social media and believes ‘an entire generation’ has lost the ability to converse face-to-face.

Now, we all love lamb but connecting face to face in the COVID-19 real world is going to be hard Sam. Time you got yourself a smart phone and some apps.

Time to post now. So, remember ‘Eat lamb you bastards.”

Day 13 Monday

Not much to report today. I spent all day in the kitchen cooking for my meal delivery tomorrow. Very tired little chef. The last is in the oven now (6:45 pm). This week’s menu is:

Slow cooked beef in red wine and Pedro Ximinez with creamy mashed potato

Thai style yellow coconut chicken curry and rice

Smoked cheese and sweet potato quiche

Pasta sauce -caramelised pumpkin, cumin and chilli

Apple strudel

Baklava

Trivia answer: A black duck can fly at around 42 kph, but on opening day they get a bit faster.

Day 12 Sunday

Another great day today but I am worried. Easter is only five days away and everyone knows that it rains at Easter. We actually need rain as the wet season here was a dud – only 890 mm to date. Sure enough, I just checked the weather forecast and 90% chance of rain and 30C on Friday. The good thing is that the rain is only expected to bring 1-5mm. That’s not even mist!

Penny has been cooking her hot cross buns and messing up my kitchen, but the smell is pretty good. Taste is also excellent.

The virtual catching up is taking off it seems. We have afternoon drinks planned with the Hartons from Adelaide at 4 pm (Aperol Spritz) then Laura Jane from London at 8 pm. Planning is also under way for a 3 location, 7 person wine tasting on 18 April. The big challenge is getting the wines to everyone and of course, practising responsible service of alcohol.

I have been reading about the strange and weird things associated with the virus and I discovered that in my old home town Albury, a 51-year-old man was fined after he was involved in a minor car accident and allegedly told police he had left his home in order to visit his drug dealer. He was later found to have a disqualified driving licence. Police said he was not very bright!

A 32-year-old woman and a 27-year-old man from Muswellbrook in the state’s Hunter Valley were fined for sitting in their car without a reasonable excuse not to be at home. There was no report as to their state of dress or whether they were in the back seat.

Our southern bicycle patrol this afternoon saw a marked decrease in sunbathing backpackers, apart from the group outside the Police Beat building, so you need not worry about us up here in the far north.

My Little Kitchen food orders are mounting with four orders of varying amounts for Wednesday and she indoors has ordered duck, duck and duck over Easter. I think we are allowed fish on Friday. So a busy week looming.

Trivia question: How fast can a black duck fly? (answer for the speed likely on Duck Opening morning!)

Doggy knows the answer.

Day 11 Saturday

A beautiful sunrise this morning so we headed north by north west on our bicycle patrol. We met many other bike riders, most were in lycra. Not us. Friendly lot though, with many a hearty ‘good morning.’ The coffee and egg and bacon sandwich from the Stratford Deli, enjoyed briefly while exercising on the bench under the shady tree (no loitering for us, ‘just catching our breath and stretching, officer’) were delicious. Home to peruse the papers.

Last night’s virtual trivia was fun. A close contest between Andrew and Graeme with the later winning by one point. Unfortunately, I had to apply rule # 1 a couple of times, but hey, it’s pub trivia and people have a couple of drinks. Joanne’s wine glass was a big as her last one, big as her head even. Luckily, she only had a little bit in the bottom.

I see on Sky today that Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack says government border force efforts to halt profiteering attempts to smuggle much needed medical supplies out of Australia were absolutely “necessary”.

People trying to “send stuff through Australia post” or ship out large containers will be stopped at the border. The supplies will be redistributed in Australia where they are most needed, he said. 

So a big thanks to that Asian bloke I saw stuffing pills into a huge postage envelope. Firstly, he paid for them, so that’s some money going around the economy and secondly, they will all come back to where they are needed.

We went to Rusty’s market this morning as usual for our fruit and veg. Less than half the stalls were operating but friendly chaps at either end were there to spray you with sanatizer. Certainly, there are fewer people out and about - and I hope even less since I called the Council hot line to dob in a bunch of backpackers sunbathing on the lawns and a group of first nation people having a ‘meeting’ under a tree.

Now, as I mentioned on Thursday, I reckon turps is a cure for Covid-19. Well, guess who also thinks a head lice killer (like turps) could also kill corona virus?

Health authorities are warning people against self-medicating with a drug which is traditionally used to treat head lice and scabies but is now showing promise as a coronavirus treatment, saying it could be fatal. (the cure, like the disease)

A collaborative study led by the Monash Biomedicine Discovery Institute and the Doherty Institute found the drug Ivermectin stops coronavirus growing in cell culture. Ivermectin has been used around the world for years as a treatment for a range of conditions including head lice and scabies, and it is available as a pill, lotion and shampoo.

No quiz today but this quote:

“Self isolation is like Vegas in my house. We’re losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour and nobody knows what time it is.”

Day 10 Friday

Beautiful day here this morning, 30C and not too humid. Started cooking my week 2 menu this morning. First up was the Frank Camorra slow cooked beef cheeks in one litre of Perdo Ximinez and shiraz. At five hours at 140C they are not quite done. Beef cheeks go as hard as a rock, then just collapse. I can smell them as I type.

One thing restricted movement has done has been the sourcing of funny stories and cartoons/videos. I got this one this morning from a friend.

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely. 

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Queensland now leads the way in confusing confinement rules. The Premier has now confirmed having a couple of visitors over is fine and you can also freely visit your partner or close friend. A bit different to Scomo’s version.

Ms Palaszczuk admits there’s a whole range of different variations, but is urging families to use common sense. Yeah right. That’s worked well so far!

“This is complex because no family is exactly the same, we all have different family living arrangements and we also know that we don’t want people to be totally socially isolated and they need to have some contact with people.

The Premier said some of the rules are pretty clear – no house parties, no large dinner parties and no mass barbecues.

“The people in your house should be the people in your house, but if there is one or two extra people that come into you house, that is not going to be breaching the law.

“So that might mean you have two adult children who want to come and visit you, well we think we should be flexible.”

The Premier said it was about being sensible and practical.

 “But we need to be shrinking our world, it means we don’t want to have a lot of extra contacts.”

 Clear as mud. This nonsense followed the botched border closure, mixed messages of school closures, backflips on weapons armourers and flipflopping on recreational boating.

Yesterday’s quiz answer: Kakadu Plum

Today’s question: What’s parse mean?

Day 9 Thursday

I have been doing a bit of research today so I can give some advice to those who are earning a living, even if from home. Now, back in the 30’s, that’s the 1930’s, there was a substance that cured almost everything, well at least according to my Nanna. What was this wonder drug you ask? It was turps. More specifically turpentine. She used a tablespoon in the top of the water tank so no mosquitoes would breed there. It didn’t stop the rats or possums falling in and drowning, hence flavouring the water somewhat. She put a tablespoon in the bath water to cure open sores, itchy bites, ingrown toenails and hairy legs and she rubbed it in your hair to kill nits. So, I was thinking, could it cure or prevent you catching Corona virus? I’m sure it can. Look what the internet says it cures and we know the internet is never wrong.

“Turpentine oil is used topically to treat rheumatoid and neuralgic disorders, toothaches, muscle pain, and disseminated sclerosis. Inhaling the vapours of turpentine oil can reduce thick secretions due to bronchial diseases. It can cure: insomnia, headaches, vomiting, coughing, hematuria, urinary trac, inflammation, albuminaria and coma.” No wonder they lock it up in a cage with the Metho at Bunnings.

And here’s another response to the pandemic from our mate to the north, President Rodrigo Duterte. He has warned Philippine police and military to shoot dead anyone "who creates trouble" during a month-long lockdown of the island of Luzon.  "My orders are to the police and military … that if there is trouble or the situation arises that people fight and your lives are on the line, shoot them dead."

I reckon Victoria and NSW could take a lesson here.

Oh what a busy day for me. I had two injections today. One in each arm. Apparently, for seniors, you get a free flu jab along with a pneumonia one as well. So, with my olive leaf extract and turps, I should be king of the hill. Waiting in the doctor’s surgery was a bit scary though, with a fully capped, masked and gowned nurse blocking the door and taking your temperature and interrogating you about your movements – travel that is.

On my southern reconnaissance today, I noticed less and less people sunbathing or having picnics. There were half a dozen scantly clad backpackers on towels, lying on the grass directly in front of the Police Beat office. Luckily for them this is not NSW!

Answer to yesterday’s quiz: The bigger of the two would win the fight. And of course the battle could not  take place on land, because the shark has no legs.

Today’s question: What food contains the highest level of vitamin C?